It’s normal that on my fourth day of employment I take my second day off, right? Feels about right.
While I’m getting enough food and almost enough rest, my stress levels need to be dealt with. Aside from showering, I don’t have any pleasurable activities in my life. I’ve called my grandparents several times in hopes of seeing them, but they never answer their phone, possibly because I call them when I get off duty, which is usually in the middle of the night. Time to look for some alternatives.
I decide to buy a TV. I use my laptop to order the most expensive one I can afford and it appears instantly in my apartment thanks to Amazon finally cracking the teleportation matrix. When I try to watch it, however, I’m told I need a sofa.
Granted, TV is best watched from a sofa. I should
have a sofa. But I’d argue that I don’t need a sofa. I should be able watch TV while standing, lying on the floor, walking in place or, with the careful placement of mirrors, while sitting on the toilet. The cheapest sofa is $900, though, and I’ve only got about $600 left after buying the TV. So, I try to game the system. I buy a $400 TV, which I’m hoping will replace my expensive TV while refunding the couple grand I spent on the first one. Roughly half of my brilliant plan works. The nice TV vanishes and is replaced with the crummy TV, but I don’t get my thousands of dollars back, and I still have nothing to sit on to watch it.
My home life, if you can call it that, is more stressful than being shot at.
So, I call my friends and we hang out. I call my mom, and we also hang out. This helps my stress meter, though I still can’t reach my grandparents who I’m beginning to suspect are gently decomposing in their home. I even visit their house in person, but I’m given no option to knock on the door. Will my first real case be solving their murders? Will it turn out, in a shocking twist, that I murdered them myself? More importantly, will I inherit their sofa?
I get off to a late start after sleeping in and I’m back to the crime-busting activity I started with: trying to trap speeders with a radar gun. I catch no one, possibly because I set my trap on a street corner with traffic lights, which means most of the cars that pass through have either just stopped or are about to stop or are starting after having just been stopped. I think this job is starting to affect my judgment.
Dispatch gives me a call: a possible burglary is taking place, or as it’s put: “someone has broken into a building and they could be a thief.” Could be! I roll out, sirens off but headlights on (I finally figured that much out). It’s a secluded house near my own, and I park in the bushes and proceed on foot. Approaching the door, I’m given the choice of opening it, asking someone inside to open it, or forcing it open. After a long day spent watching people obeying traffic lights and driving at four miles per hour, I’m up for some action. I take out my taser and and kick open the door.
I’m penalized for this dope-ass move: breaking down a door is a no-no given the situation. I also find myself pointing my taser at the woman standing motionless inside. I carefully check all the rooms in the house: they’re all completely empty of both crime
and furniture, so if she did steal something she didn’t stash it here and if she stole everything she’s already gotten away with it. I check her ID and question her. Nothing seems to be wrong, and abruptly I’m given a perfect score for the mission, somehow, despite having broken down a door and scared this woman so badly she can’t even move.
I back out of the building, leaving her to continue standing stock still in the dark in her completely empty home. Not like I can judge her. I spend most of my time at home standing in the shower and not watching either of my TVs.
While glumly driving around the countryside, I notice the truck ahead of me swerve slightly. Drunk? Bad A.I.? Tough to tell, so I pull him over and administer a breathalyzer.
Sure enough, he’s been drinking. When I check his ID, I also find he’s wanted by the police. Ooh, a two-fer! I radio for another squad car to pick him and take him to jail (I’ve discovered I can do that) and I have his truck towed. As the car behind it pulls forward, I notice the driver looks exactly like the guy I just arrested. Is it because there are only a handful of different character skins in this game? Or is the same perp already out on bail? Tough to tell, so I pull
him over. Turns out,
he’s also wanted by the police, and his truck has no brake lights. I’m in violation heaven!
I pull over the next truck. Why? Well, just look at him. The guy’s hands aren’t even on the wheel. It looks like he’s driving with his forearms. That’s a violation in my book. My book, by the way, is a very confusing and arbitrary one.
This dude is also drunk, plus examining his car tells me he was speeding despite the fact that he’s been waiting motionless for several minutes as I arrested the Drunk Twins. Whatever, I’ll take it. This one small stretch of highway is gonna make my entire career.
You know, it feels good doing something right and racking up points. After a crappy couple of days, I think things are really turning around for Jack Action.
Next time, on Police Crime Action: Things are not really turning around for Jack Action.